Dirty little chemo secrets no one told me

No where in all the books I've read, people I've talked or anything I've heard ever prepared me for any of this:

Vivid dreams.  Like the one where I'm at Festival in Rio running through the streets with no pants.  And my legs look great so I don't want pants.  It was probably really hot there anyway.  So is this my subconscious warning me of my impending quasi menopause from the chemo?

Or the one where I'm taking an old-fashioned steam engine train trying to get home, only to be dropped off somewhere on Route 287 northbound near the Parsippany exit in the middle of evening rush hour.  Are my kids watching too much Thomas and Friends?

Or dreaming that it was 1992 again and being at the Lollapalloza concert in Saratoga Springs, only I had nothing to smoke or drink this time and I actually remembered being there.  Do I secretly hope that I could undo the excesses of my youth?

Insomnia.  Maybe laying awake trying to self analyze isn't helping.  Most of my nighttime wakefulness is spent thinking about why I should have to medicate to sleep.  So there's all these chemo drugs.  Three of them.  One may cause an allergic reaction, so there is a fourth drug given to prevent that.  Two of the other drugs cause fatigue and nausea.  So add two anti-nausea meds and a steroid on top of that to counteract those side effects.  But remember, anti nausea meds cause other things.  So there's more meds to counteract the side effects of the drug that causes side effects from the chemo.  Oh, and chemo kills good cells too so here's another injection to boost white cell counts, but that causes flu like symptoms so take an antihistamine and anti inflammatory.....blah blah blah.  To say nothing of the recommended vitamin supplements.  So while all the side effects of the drugs to help the side effects of the chemo seem to be in good balance, the side effect to all of it is that I can't sleep, of course, without a sleep aid presumably.  A daunting task for someone who before this episode hadn't been given a prescription for anything in about 15 years.  And there's still 5 more treatments and so much more to go.

I guess the other dirty little secret is, treating cancer sometimes feels like you must surrender control of essentially everything.  It is not easy for me to become necessarily dependent on medications, other people and services to get through the day, and ultimately save and prolong my life.  Sometimes it is a relief to not have any decisions to make.  Sometimes it hurts.  I was back on the elliptical this weekend, not too many interval sprints but feeling more like my pre-cancer self for the first time in several weeks.  Perhaps there really is something to the dizzying laundry list of pills and potions?

Tomorrow my assistant warrior-girls turn three.  They tooled around in their new tricycles and played their little electric guitars wearing sequined princess tiaras and chocolate mousse cake on their chins.  It was one of those moments you realize is sweet and fleeting.  I will seek out more and more of these little moments that make time slow.  I will find more reasons to make all of this worth my efforts, good, bad indifferent and ugly.

Oh, the last dirty little chemo secret no one told me - Diet Coke now tastes like Diet Pepsi.  Horribly tragic on so many levels!